It’s not dinnertime conversation. Talking about it can make us uncomfortable, yet it is something that we all will experience. And as the joke goes, it’s like taxes.

It’s death.

Society’s view of funeral rituals has changed, causing funeral directors to examine the way they do business. While regional, faith and family traditions may vary, those in the profession encourage us to make our wishes known ahead of time. Not only will it save loved ones from making difficult decisions, but, economically, it is the wise thing to do.

"There is nothing more difficult than when a family comes through our doors to deal with difficult and unfamiliar decisions, at what is probably the most stressful and emotional time of their lives. They face details and choices they never thought about before and worrying what to do, what their loved one would have wanted and even how to pay for what they choose," said Bernie Henderson, director for family and community relations at Woody Funeral Home.

"People who have unexpected deaths in their families see the benefit of making pre-arrangements," said David Nelson of Bliley Funeral Home. "Oftentimes after the service of their loved one, they make their own arrangements as they do not want their family to go through what they did."

Both Nelson and Val Ouellette, who coordinate the pre-need services at Bliley’s, ensure that their families understand all their options. They have met with numerous families who, as part of their retirement and financial planning, were encouraged by their financial advisors to make and pay for prearranged funerals.

When a pre-planned funeral is purchased, the funds are placed in escrow with interest accumulating. The investment covers any increase in cost that will accrue until the services are needed.

Chesterfield resident Mary Thorne Smaltz experienced just that. She purchased her mother’s funeral several years ago when she entered a nursing home. Her mother lived for eight years.

"If we had made those same arrangements when mother died, it would have cost about $3,000 more," she said. "I have since pre-planned my own funeral as has my husband."

The average costs of a funeral including a moderately priced casket, vault, chapel or church service is estimated to be between $6,800 and $9,500. Cremation charges begin at about $2,600, depending on what type of services are selected. Those estimates do not include expenses incurred outside the funeral home’s control.

For example, purchasing cemetery property, the opening and closing of the grave and newspaper charges can be major expenses. Most cemeteries require that an outside container (vault) be used.

The personalization of funerals often helps the bereaved begin the process of closure. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

"We have had punk rock services, country music...there are no longer rigid restrictions," Henderson said.

Cremation has become more common in the Richmond area than in years past.

"There has been a movement away from the taboo of cremation," said Henderson. "For example, it was once unheard of for Catholics to be cremated, and now some Catholic churches have a columbarium on church property. At one time cremation was considered the alternative to the funeral. That is not the case, as you can have a visitation or service with the remains present if you choose."

At Bliley’s, while the company has definitely seen an increase in cremations, the majority of their pre-planned funerals are more traditional.

"It is about 30 percent cremations now," said Ouellette. "Ten years ago it would have been about 10 percent."

Funeral homes are also offering additional planning services.

It is traditional with many families that a reception is held at the home following a memorial service. That can be a challenge if the deceased was living in a nursing home or if the residence cannot accommodate a crowd. Many funeral homes will connect the family with caterers, allowing the reception to be held at the funeral home.

Woody’s also offers families a travel agency service. If the family has out-of-town relatives, the agency can arrange for air travel, lodging and car rentals, all with a bereavement discount. And if family members need to travel back to the area to handle the estate, they can use the service and discount for up to a year.

The Greater Richmond area is more diverse than ever, one factor that has impacted the local funeral profession. Henderson said he loves connecting with different communities of faith and cultures.

"It is one of the best parts of the job. At any given day we can be in a Mormon church and that the next day serve a Lebanese, Greek Orthodox or Buddhist family," Henderson said. His family had owned funeral homes when he was younger, and after serving in appointed positions under four Virginia governors, he returned to his roots.

"The personal reward for me is knowing that I have helped people during the most difficult time in their lives," said Charles Morehead, president and general manager of Bennett Funeral Homes. "I have shoeboxes of thank-you letters and when I read them, they keep me coming back."

No matter what we desire, be it cremation and scattering of ashes or services in a house of worship, we need to ensure that our desires are known.

"So much of the mystery that shrouded our profession has been removed," said Henderson. "We are here to serve our families on whatever level they need."

• If you do not know what funeral home or cremation service you want to use, ask friends for recommendations.

• Visit the facility to ensure it can accommodate your needs.

• If requested, funeral homes and cremation societies are required by law to provide a written price listing of all services.

• Discuss price and your budget with the funeral director. Ask about expenses outside of the funeral director’s control, such as cemetery and newspaper charges.

• Your research can include casket burial, outside burial containers, cremation, urns and donation of remains to a medical society.

• Bodies are not required to be embalmed unless they are to be transported across state lines.

• Decide if you prefer flowers or memorial donations to a charity.

• Think about what particular music you would like, if any.

• If pallbearers or clergy are to be used, list them in your prearrangements.

• If possible, secure cemetery property ahead of time.• Inform a relative or friend of your plans and tell them where a copy of your prearrangements can be found.

Couple plan "joyful" memorials

By Bill Harrison

 I have always believed that a sense of humor can help get us through the tough times.

A funeral I will always remember is that of a friend’s mother. Mrs. Fussell loved to play the slot machines. And almost right up until her death, her son, David, would take her to Atlantic City so she could pull the one-armed bandit. Wheelchair bound and on oxygen, the trip was one she looked forward to regularly.

So when Mrs. Fussell died, it came as no surprise to anyone that her ashes were placed in a slot machine. There we were at the cemetery with a slot machine sitting next to the grave. Looking back, I think it made it easier for us. In an odd sort of way, it connected everyone.

Ed and May Dickson’s memorial services may not involve slot machines, but they will be joyful. That’s an order from May, who does not allow anyone to take her picture unless she is holding a glass of wine.

"We’ve discussed all this with our two children. My daughter is helping me write my obituary," said May. "I’ve told them if that we both die together on a trip to tell everyone that’s how we wanted to go. There’s no heaviness when we talk about it."

The Dicksons have collected information from a cremation society and a local funeral home. The couple, who have been married for 56 years, will have their ashes interred in Lebanon Cemetery in West Virginia where Ed grew up. The plan is that after each has died, their ashes will be buried together. Memorial services for each will be conducted at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in downtown Richmond.

"The first decision was that we were both going to be buried in Ed’s family plot in West Virginia," said May. "I made that decision when we went to Ed’s brother’s funeral at that cemetery. It’s an old graveyard on a hill with a beautiful view. Our grandchildren were small then and the little girls were running all over the cemetery, climbing on the monuments. I told Ed then that I wanted to be buried there with him and his family."

There are generations of Ed’s family in that cemetery. His mother and two brothers were cremated, but all other relatives had traditional burials. May will be the first of her family to be cremated.

Ed, who just celebrated his 80th birthday, is retired from State Farm Insurance. May retired in 1992 after teaching for 35 years with most of her career being in Henrico County.

"We are both healthy and don’t really think about it," said May about dying. "I think our children are actually more worried about what we plan to do before we die, than afterwards," she laughed.

And whatever that is, it too, will be "joyful." FP